bakemonoremy | Entries tagged with !!

Location: Café “Cinnamon”

- In the middle of September, at Café “Cinnamon”, which has become Crazy:B’s hang-out spot -

Rinne: Alright, that’s ron! Thirteen orphans! You’re finished, Niki~, that’s what you get for discardin’ your tiles all willy-nilly, idiot! Gyahahaha ☆

Niki: Wh-, hey! Why’re you only focusing your attacks on me, Rinne-kun!? This was supposed to be a match between you and HiMERU-kun!

You only got me involved against my will ‘cause you didn’t have enough people otherwise! I don’t even know the rules!

Kohaku: Same here. Humhum, I guess Mahjong is all ‘bout collectin’ the same kindsa tiles, right? ‘Reckon I’ve got it figured out more or less~, ko ko ko ♪

Rinne: Nah, actually the match is over. Poor Niki’s all bankrupt now, which means that in compliance with our house rules, his public striptease is about to start!

Niki: Striptease!? What the hell, no one told me about this!

Rinne: Gyahahaha! Get naked, get naked! Heyheyhey, I wanna see Niki-kun’s toned body that defies all logic, considerin’ how this guy stuffs his face on the daily~☆

Kohaku: Ah, actually I’ve really been wonderin’ about that. Niki-han, yer body’s of the type that doesn’t gain weight easily, right?

Niki: Well, it’s more like it’s bad at absorbing nutrients—

Owaah!? Please stop trying to take my clothes off by force, Rinne-kun! Stop, you’re gonna tear it!

It’d be a hassle if you ripped my clothes, ‘cause I try not to spend money on my wardrobe if I can help it!

Rinne: Shaddup! Take ‘em off~! Don’t be such a tease~, don’t play so hard to get! ‘S not like you’re some pure, virginal maiden!

Niki: Um, I’m not any kind of “maiden” in the first place, got it!?

HiMERU: —Just how much must you two besmirch the good name of idols until you’re satisfied?

HiMERU is shocked speechless. Could you at least keep it together while you’re out in public?

Niki: Ah, you think so too, right!? First of all, this is my part-time workplace!

People come here to relax~, so I really wish you wouldn’t turn this into Crazy:B’s hang-out spot!

Rinne: Aah? I’m free to sit down for a meal anywhere I like. Also, what has this so-called “public” ever done for us?

Are we just gonna let them treat us like this forever?

They stuck labels like “troublemakers” on us, sayin’ “This world doesn’t need people like you, you’re a nuisance and a bother”...

Do we have to put up with them kickin’ our asses and chasin’ us away whenever and wherever they like?

Niki: U-uu~?

Um, so in other words, the way you hang out in cute cafés like a complete hoodlum, playing mahjong and trying to strip me naked, is all part of your rebellion against this unjust society...?

That’s all your way of declaring that you refuse to be silently devoured!?

Kohaku: Give it up, Niki-han. That guy’s all hat and no cattle. All he’s good at it takin’ yer complaints and explaining ‘em away with his sophistry.

Here’s what’cha gotta do: outright reject every word he says and show physical resistance.

Rinne: Eh~? How mean~, talk to your lonely ol’ pops, will ya~? Is widdle Kohaku-chwan in his webellious phase~?

Are you already at that age where you don’t wanna take baths with your papa anymore~?*

Kohaku: …….... (He flicks a mahjong tile in Rinne’s direction)

Rinne: Ouch!? He really practices what he preaches; he didn’t listen to a word I said and resorted to physical violence!

If that’s how it’s gonna be, I won’t go easy on you either! I’ll show ya the difference in physical strength between an adult and a kid!

I’ll whoop your ass! And then I’ll make you wear cute kitty ears and call me “My Master ♪”!

Kohaku: I’ll kill ya before you get the chance.

Niki: Please! Stop causing a ruckus at my workplace~!

The manager keeps looking at me with a face that says “Niki-kun, we’re going to have a talk about this later ♪”, y’know~!?

HiMERU: —Good grief.

HiMERU may have accompanied you out of courtesy, but if all you’re going to do is waste his time with your silly games, HiMERU is going to take his leave now.

As HiMERU already told you the other day, he’s currently the focus of a solo project, just as he was in the past.

That means HiMERU doesn’t have a lot of time on hand to allocate to you people.

Rinne: Aah? Didn’t I tell ya I’m not givin’ you my permission for that? It was rejected on authority of Crazy:B’s leader!

And I gave ya my reasons for why I’m not allowin’ any solo gigs, too! You’re a smart one, Merumeru, so you should’ve gotten the message, right?

HiMERU: —HiMERU did get the message, but he didn’t give his assent. Therefore, HiMERU won’t abide by it.

Rinne: Gyahaha! Quarrelin’ about it didn’t lead to an agreement, and that’s why we decided whoever won this mahjong showdown was gonna be in the “right”**, didn’t we?

I thinned out the small fry and emerged victorious, so you gotta abide by the agreement and take my word as law!

Niki: Hey, don’t call the small fry “Niki-kun”!

Kohaku: Ain’t that backwards?

Niki: Nahaha ♪ But small fry are edible, so aren’t they way more useful than I am?

Kohaku: Yer real servile sometimes, Niki-han. Gives me the creeps whenever I can sense the darkness in yer heart.

HiMERU: —HiMERU would never agree to abide by the results of something so unbefitting of idols as a mahjong showdown in the first place.

—Don’t think that everyone will always just move the way you like, Amagi.

Rinne: ………

Yuuta: Dammiiiiiit! Where are youuuuuuu! Resistance is futile, show yourseeeeelf!

Niki: Ooh? What is it this time? How come it’s always so noisy around us?

Kohaku: Don’t ask me.

Ain’t that kid from CosPro, too? From 2wink, or somethin’?

I heard they’re twins, but which one is he? He seems to be havin’ a right blast makin’ a fuss, so I’d wager it’s the cheerful older brother?

HiMERU: —It’s pointless to try and tell them apart based on that. This one is probably the younger one, “Aoi Yuuta”.

Kohaku: Huh, how can ya tell? HiMERU-han, ya know them twins?

HiMERU: You can tell just by looking, since they seem go out of their way to use codes to make it possible to tell them apart—Those two.

Yuuta: Aah, there you are! I did hear that Crazy:B turned this place into their hang-out spot recently—You wouldn’t happen to have a moment to spare for me, since there is something I very much need to speak with you about!?

Kohaku: How polite, considerin’ ya look like yer about to snap. What’s the matter? ‘S not like we did somethin’ to ya guys, did we?

Yuuta: You have no room to speak...! I thought you’d at least avoid setting your sights on someone from the same agency and let down my guard, but that was just naive of me!

You vermin will pierce just anybody with your poison stingers~!

Crazy:B! No, Amagi Rinne! Give me back my Aniki! Give me back “Hinata-kun”…!

———————

* In Japan, many parents take baths together with their children while they are young, but it’s normal for girls starting puberty to be ashamed to do this and refuse to do it, so this is a joke about that specifically.

** Rinne says “right answer” here, and since this story was written by Akira who also wrote Yuuta’s recent idol story and Setsubun where this expression keeps popping up, it’s quite likely that he’s picking up that theme again here. (Aoi family angst will follow soon enough.)

Disclaimer: This story has mentions of sibling marriage. TW for incest mention.

Location: Bustling Street

Yuuta: Hmhmhm~m ♪ With the “two of us” as one person~...♪*

...Hm? Oh? He~y, Producer-san ♪

Hello hello, good day to you! Aoi Yuuta of 2wink, at your service! Swish ☆ (He salutes.)

Huh, Hinata-kun recently gave you a salute, too? Ahaha, it’s the latest fad among “us”~♪

Though I’m actually just imitating Hinata-kun. That is to say, Hinata-kun is imitating someone else’s salute, and I’m imitating him imitating that person.

It’s a hand-me-down that’s been passed through two people’s hands already, so it’s kinda worn out.

Well, that just makes using it all the more comfy for me. Apparently Hinata-kun is doing this in an attempt to butter up CosPro’s vice-president, Saegusa Ibara, though.

Just imitating Hinata-kun while he’s doing that, is the “right answer**” for me. It’s as simple as that.

...Er, there I go calling him “Hinata-kun” again. Even though we’ve already established to the public that I’m the younger brother who always calls him “Aniki”.

If I don’t call him that, people will definitely get confused, so I’ve gotta stick to it.

But to put it bluntly, we’re twins, so there’s no real telling who’s the older and who’s the younger brother anyhow.

Well, Aniki seems to be having the time of his life acting the older brother, so I’m letting him have his fun.

But when we’re at home, he’ll often go, “Today I’m the little brother!” and I’ll be all, “Okay, then I’m the older one today!”, and we’ll switch places.

Thanks to that, I sometimes even get hazy on which one I am.

Wait, I’m Yuuta, aren’t I? I’m the younger one, right~?

Psyche! I’m just kidding... It’s a twin joke~♪ Anyway, Producer-san, what are you doing around these parts?

You’re giving the impression that you’re on your way to ES for work. Hmm, so you wanna go home to change clothes before you head over there?

Ah~... Yeah, for some reason it’s fundamentally taboo to show up at ES in school uniform. It’s kind of a pain, really.

Our home is in the opposite direction, so it’s a hassle to walk all the way there and back…

But since there’s a coffin in the light music club room, we just use that as a dresser as we please and change into our casual clothes before heading to work.

There’s still room in the coffin… If you’d like, feel free to make use of it, Producer-san.

It’ll save you some time and trouble, right?

But if I store my clothes in the same place as a woman’s, the scent will cling to them…

My Aniki is possessive as ever, so I think he’ll mind that.

Makes me wonder what’s gonna go down when we hit our marriagable age. In this country it’s illegal for two brothers to get married to the same person, so I feel like we’ve got a quarrel coming on that front.

But if I brought this kind of thing up with him, he’d spout something completely lunatic, like, “Why, you can just marry me instead, Yuuta-kun!”.

Actually, in that case we’d both be married to someone we love, and we wouldn’t be in each other’s way...

But we’re both guys, and brothers at that. So it’d just open up a whole new can of worms.

Oh, no, I have no intentions of marrying Aniki. There’s no need to go through the trouble of tying that knot, since we’ve been family since birth anyway.

...Wait, what were we talking about again? Aah geez, I’m so sorry!

Apparently I’ve got a bad habit of chatting only about stuff that I want to talk about, or rather, talking to myself for hours on end.

On top of that, all the recent negotiations -- Well, every time we had to talk to someone for work reasons, Aniki took care of that. So I’ve been longing for company, just a little.

Ahaha. I’m sorry I made you listen to me go on and on about myself in the middle of the street, Producer-san.

Hm? That’s right~. Well, I’m sure you’re aware of this already… But we’re “two-in-one” twin idols.

So we’re getting a ton of work done by dividing it among us.

Negotiations and project planning are Aniki’s strong suits since he’s always been 2wink’s leader, so I’m leaving those to him.

Or rather, as soon as I take my eyes off him for even a moment he’s already accepted a whole heap of new jobs.

Well, unlike sweets which can be split into two perfect halves... A lot of those jobs can’t be split so easily.

That also goes for the marriage partners I was talking about earlier, and basically all human relationships.

But human relations are our weak point, so I feel like the burden weighs heavier on Aniki…

To make up for that, I wish he’d leave difficult jobs that he struggles with to me...

I thought I had grown up enough to be able to deal with anything smoothly.

“We” are two as one, so how come I’m the only one who still gets treated like a child?

...Er, I’m really sorry for venting to you like that!

You’re heading to work, aren’t you, Producer-san? Please don’t mind me and be on your way ♪

Hm? Yeah, it’s my day off! We alternate our off-days~, but I’m sure you already knew that.

Compared to Aniki, who works part-time jobs all the time, I have a bunch of different interests, so I’m enjoying myself with some shopping today.

I’ve picked out some stuff, like hair accessories and fashion glasses, to make it easier for people to tell us apart when they meet us for the first time.

While we’re on the job, like during live shows and such, it’s better if we’re indistinguishable from each other, as twins should be.

But that would be inconvenient in day-to-day life, since it would just confuse everyone around us.

Up until now though, Aniki has always been the one who picked out all our clothes and belongings, so I kinda suck at choosing them for myself…

Which is why I’m actually sort of agonizing over it right now.

Fufu. If you feel like it, I’d very much like to get your advice when you have the time.

I’ve really been wanting to hear the opinion of someone who’s clever, someone who knows the “right answers”.

From here on out… What kind of idols should we become, Producer-san?

--------------

* He’s singing 2winkle Star Beat.

** The “right answer” references Setsubun, as a lot of this idol story does. It’s specifically mirroring a line from Hinata in Deep Love 2.

Location: Resting Area

- The day of the showdown -

Rinne: So, Kohaku-chan. Did you find a nice, proper job?

Kohaku: Ehem. Clean your eyes and have a good look, y’all! This is it!

HiMERU: --This is… A collaboration with a honey maker?

Niki: Honey! Nice! I love honey-lemon jelly, tea with honey and honey-mustard chicken. And it tastes great in a ginger-fried pork dish or even a curry.

Also, it’s already plenty delicious by itself on warm toast. It’s the best ☆

Rinne: Hmmm. A music collaboration in a commercial, huh… That honey maker’s not super famous, so the pay isn’t much to rave about… So, why’d you choose this one?

Kohaku: Well, it’s not like we’re famous either yet. It’s a standard practice to promote new songs through collaborations in commercials.

And the goods they sell in this collab are honey -- Which is related to our unit name, so folks will be able to remember the name Crazy:B easily.

HiMERU: --Indeed. HiMERU thinks that this reasoning holds up well.

Kohaku: And then there’s this. Did y’all know? There’s been a bit of a honey boom among female influencers lately.

It’s an overlappin’ clientele with our target group.

Niki: Aah, now that you say it, they do say honey has some beautifying properties. As an ingredient, it’s popular among women~.

Rinne: Hmm ♪ This is better than the last one, but I’m not completely sold on it.

Kohaku: That was my first impression of this job, too. But actually, there’s this certain actor who’s gonna be havin’ an appearance in this commercial as well.

Niki: Hmm? Never heard of them. Are they a big name or something?

HiMERU: -- If HiMERU’s memory serves right, they’re a newcomer. But that means they don’t have the influence to bring in a lot of popularity…

Kohaku: Well, y’see. There are certain rumors on the internet that this actor is gonna be starrin’ in a super highly-anticipated movie that’s gonna be announced next month.

If that’s true, then they’ll definitely rise to popularity real soon!

Which means that as an inevitable result, our commercial is goin’ to garner some attention as well, right? So I looked into it to see if those rumors were the real thing.

-- And from what I found out, the rumor seems mighty credible.

HiMERU: --That makes sense. This way of choosing a job couldn’t have been done by anyone but Oukawa. HiMERU and the others aren’t that well-versed in online spheres, after all.

Rinne: Hey, not half bad! I like it ♪

Kohaku: How d’you like them apples! Your turn, Rinne-han. I’ll take it you brought a mighty good one?

Rinne: After hearin’ that, I can’t let you down! Everyone, pay close attention!

This is what I’ve got! Tadah~☆

Kohaku: Did my eyesight get worse or somethin’? ‘Cause it looks to me like Rinne-han isn’t showin’ us anythin’.

HiMERU: --Your eyesight is fine, Oukawa. HiMERU doesn’t see anything, either.

Niki: Sheesh~! Rinne-kun. I told you they’d be pissed if you showed up empty-handed~!

Kohaku: Hey… What’s the meanin’ of this? Dependin’ on your answer, you might have me to reckon with, got it?

Rinne: Now, now. No need to live fast ‘n die young! Hear me out to the end. Once you see where this is goin’, you’ll definitely acknowledge that Kohaku-chan’s lost this match!

Kohaku: Spare us the pontifications and explain yourself already.

Rinne: Did you know? Among bees, there are hard-workin’ bees, bees that work a normal amount, and bees that slack off and basically do no work whatsoever. The distribution of these is 2:6:2.

But when you remove the bees that don’t do any work at all and once again divide the rest into hard workers, those who work a normal amount, and slackers, the distribution is still 2:6:2!

HiMERU: -- There may be some slight alterations to it, but this sounds like the “Pareto principle*”.

Kohaku: ...I think I know what the punchline’s gonna be here, but I’ll let you finish just in case. --Go on?

Rinne: So basically, what I’m sayin’ is: In proportion to how much I didn’t do jack shit, the effort Kohaku-chan put into findin’ a good job increased! It’s all thanks to me ☆

Which means there’s no doubt that the winner of this match is Rinne-kun!

Kohaku: Quit screwin’ arouuuund! You utter nincompoop! As-friggin’-if!

HiMERU: --Sigh. So Shiina’s prediction was spot on…

Niki: I know, right~? It was a “crapshoot”, just like I said, wasn’t it~?

HiMERU: On another note, Amagi. If HiMERU’s memory serves right, this story you told us is actually about ants, not bees.

Rinne: Huh, for realsies? Well, ants and bees are pretty similar, so don’t sweat the details!

Put a pair of wings on an ant, and what do you get? A bee. And anyhow, they’re both insects ♪

Kohaku: These aren’t details we’re sweatin’! I’ll teach you to mess around and spout bogus like that! Not a single inch of this was thanks to the likes of you, got it!?

This job is somethin’ I got “all by myself”!

HiMERU: (! My, isn’t that something…)

(Guess you got a better result than anticipated, Amagi.)

--Now then, HiMERU would say this match is settled.

HiMERU thinks that Oukawa is the unanimous winner of this contest.

Niki: Agreed~! I also vote for Kohaku-chan.

Rinne: Hey, what gives. Don’t betray me, Niki! Aren’tcha on my team!?

Kohaku: Ko ko ko ♪ No one here’s on your side. Game, set and match, Rinne-han. Now what am I gonna make you do for the penalty game~♪

Rinne: Guh, you’re all gangin’ up on me, how cruel! This is the first step to how bullyin’ starts, y’know? Rinne-kun says NO to bullyin’!

Kohaku: Fufun ♪ Serves ya right!

Niki: Aw ma~n. I knew this was gonna happen, but here comes the penalty game. I’m gonna get so hungry…

HiMERU: --Fufu.

--What a truly eloquent and cunning man. In the end, Oukawa-- No, all of us, won the game, but lost the match against him.

Niki: Hmm? Are you talking about Rinne-kun?

HiMERU: --Who knows?

Niki: ………..

Location: Practice Room

- The following day -

Rinne: How come I have to do this fuckin’ clean-up job... I’m such a poor thing.

Makin’ the penalty game “cleaning up”, Kohaku-chan must be the personification of evil². Doesn’t anyone feel bad for poor little Rinne-kun…!

Niki: You’ve had it coming, Rinne-kun. I’m the one you should be feeling bad for~, I got completely dragged into all this--

Wh-, ugyAH!?

What’re you swinging that mop around for!? Uwah, that was close!?

Rinne: I suddenly got pissed off ‘cause I remembered how you betrayed me, Niki ♪ Have a taste of how well I handle my stick³!

Niki: You can really do just about anything, huh!? Gimme a break, don’t take your irrational anger out on me!

...Ah. That reminds me, there was something I meant to ask you, Rinne-kun.

Rinne: Ahn? What’s up?

Niki: Could it be that you only instigated all of this as an act, to help Kohaku-chan build some self-confidence?

Rinne: ...I’ve got no clue what you’re talkin’ about. I just like a good gamble, that’s all ♪

Ah, sayin’ that made me wanna go play some pachinko! Come on Niki, let’s get this done and over with and hit up the parlor!

And of course, Niki’s gonna sponsor me! I said so, which means it’s decided! So let’s finish this clean-up at mach-speed and bounce ☆

Niki: I see. So that’s how it is…

Aw ma~n. It’s like Rinne-kun always gets the last laugh, how unfair…

Rinne: Niki, you little shit! Quit mutterin’ under your breath and get those hands movin’! All the good machines are gonna get taken if we don’t get a wiggle on!

Kyahahaha ☆ I feel like today’s gonna be my lucky day!

---------------------------

* Pareto principle

² He uses the same 鬼 here that Kohaku used earlier in his “there’s good people everywhere” line. An ongoing theme?

³ Innuendo aside, he’s doing Bōjutsu

Location: Café “Cinnamon”

Niki: Rinne-kun.

Rinne: ♪~

Niki: Hey, Rinne-kun!

Rinne: Aahn? Damn, why so noisy? Are you lonely when Rinne-kun doesn’t pay attention to you?

Aw~, there, there. Sorry, but I’m real busy right now.

Niki: All you’re doing is trespassing into a café on its closing day and loitering around reading magazines. You’re making it hard to clean the place.

Rinne: I can just move out of the way for that, ‘s all good. Look, look, you missed a spot! I don’t approve such sloppy cleanin’ practices!

You heard me, so make like a worker bee and get busy ♪

Niki: You’re such a nag… I wanna get the cleaning over with before I get hungry, so I’d like to get back to it as soon as possible. But y’know, I can’t help but wonder.

Is this really the time for you to be reading magazines all leisurely? Ever since the contest started, all I’ve seen you do is gamble and laze around.

It’s almost time for us to show the job we found to Kohaku-chan, right~?

Rinne: Oh, now that you say it, the deadline’s approachin’ fast.

Kyahahaha ☆ The day of the crucial match, huh. Gets me hyped! Can’t wait to see if Kohaku-chan managed to find a proper job...♪

Niki: Why’re you talking like a dad on parents’ day* at school. You realize that you’re a participant in the contest too, right, Rinne-kun?

You were the one who told me, “Just take it easy, Niki, ‘cause I’ll find us a job”. And yet you’re not doing anything.

We’ll both be held liable if we lose the match, and I don’t wanna do the penalty game~.

Rinne: It’s all a-okay ♪ Don’t worry ‘bout it. ‘Cause I’ve got an infallible “secret plan” up my sleeve. See, you’re in good hands!

Niki: Eeh…? A gambler’s “secret plan” is just about the most anxiety-inducing thing I’ve ever heard of.

Rinne: Oioi, isn’t that a little too harsh? I guess if you have that little confidence in me, you could always start lookin’ for a job on your own?

Actually, why is it on me to do the dirty work anyhow?

Niki: The way you said that with such an innocent look in your eyes made it hurt all the more! Rinne-kun, are you serious right now!?

Rinne: Yup yup. This totally goes against all laws of nature! Now I get it.

If “Crazy:B” stands for crazy bees, that makes Niki the worker bee, and I’m the drone² that gets waited upon!

That’s why you’re the one who should be workin’ his ass off! Work, work~ ♪ Kyahahahaha ☆

Niki: Nothing gets through to this guy! And actually, that’s the queen bee, not the drone, right...?

Location: Staff Canteen

Niki: --And that’s what happened.

HiMERU: ………….(Rolling his eyes)

Kohaku: ...Well, you’ve got me speechless.

That dimwit, after he acted all high and mighty towards me! He’s really lookin’ down on me, ain’t he!

HiMERU: This reminds HiMERU, he once heard that in English, “a drone” means “a person who does no useful work and lives off others”. That does sound like Amagi.

Kohaku: Ko ko ko, good one. It fits him like a glove ♪

--Wait, this ain’t the time for jokes.

...Hm? Bees...? Speakin’ of bees, there was this one job…

Umm, where’s the HoldHands page for it..

Niki: Kohaku-chan, what’s the matter? What’cha suddenly checking HoldHands for?

Kohaku: …………

Yeah. This might work… It’s worth checkin’ out in more detail, I think.

Niki: Checking what out?

Kohaku: HiMERU-han, Niki-han! Some urgent business came up, so I’ve gotta skedaddle!

Niki: Huh? Well, you already paid for your meal, so I’m fine with it… But what’s up?

Kohaku: That’s a secret for now! So long~♪

HiMERU: --My, my, he left in quite the hurry. Seems like Oukawa’s got a flash of inspiration.

Niki: Seems like it. Well, it’s great to see Kohaku-chan in high spirits like that.

Guess that means our loss is already set in stone, then.

HiMERU: Fufu. You’re unexpectedly gracious in defeat, Shiina. But HiMERU thinks this match is not yet settled.

Niki: You think? Pretty sure we’re done for. After all, we are lacking the most vital thing: a job.

HiMERU: --HiMERU is worried about that “secret plan” Amagi mentioned, though.

Niki: Oh right, he did say something like that, huh?

But this is Rinne-kun we’re talking about, so rather than a “secret plan” it’s probably a “ridiculous crapshoot”.

If you’ll remember, this is the kind of guy who has no problem saying stuff like “The foolproof way of winning any gamble is to double your bet after every loss³! So lend me some money ♪”, right?

HiMERU: --HiMERU hopes that this will turn out to just be his needless anxiety at work.

---------------------

* Parents’ day in Japan involves the parents of the students observing their children in class.

² From Wikipedia: “A drone is a male honey bee. Unlike the female worker bee, drones do not have stingers and gather neither nectar nor pollen. A drone's primary role is to mate with an unfertilized queen.”

³ This is the Martingale betting system.

Location: Staff Canteen

- A few days later -

Kohaku: Hrmm~... Hrmmmmm~...

(It’s no good. I’ve been glowerin’ at HoldHands all this time, but everythin’ on there looks good, but also bad, in a way.)

Is this what’s commonly known as Gestaltzerfall*? Nah, maybe not…?

I don’t even know anymore! I don’t know anythin’! This world is chock-full of incomprehensible stuff~!

HiMERU: --You’ve been working hard, Oukawa. Do you mind if HiMERU sits with you?

Kohaku: Uwah!? HiMERU-han? When you called out to me from over my shoulder I got so startled I thought my heart was gonna jump right outta my throat!

HiMERU-han, are you aboutta eat lunch? If you’re fine with sittin’ at the foot of the table, go right ahead ♪

HiMERU: --HiMERU is sorry for startling you. Thank you for the seat. HiMERU is going to have the same daily special that Oukawa is eating, then.

Just going to open HoldHands and order -- There. How convenient.

Kohaku: HiMERU-han, how’d you know I was sittin’ over here anyway? Even though it’s so packed in here durin’ lunchtime.

HiMERU: Fufu. When HiMERU came to the canteen to have his lunch, he overheard Oukawa yelling from over here. HiMERU could tell right away that it was you.

Kohaku: Eh, was I bein’ noisy!?

HiMERU: Oh, you didn’t notice? You were making a real fuss ♪ The people around you are already giving you strange looks.

Kohaku: Aah… You’re right. How embarrassin’. To think I didn’t even notice what was goin’ on around me…

HiMERU: --It only goes to show how serious you are about this. In any case, from your reaction, HiMERU guesses that you have yet to find a job that stands out to you.

How is your progress? HiMERU would like to hear all about it.

Kohaku: Aah, well... I’ve sent out tons of applications since then and all, but…

Those led to some negotiations? And I’ve had a rough goin’ of it…

HiMERU: --Hmm. What do you mean by negotiations?

Kohaku: Ah, I wasn’t makin’ unreasonable demands or anythin’.

Every job has pros and cons in their terms, and I was just tryin’ to change some of the cons into pros for us…

But they seemed to take offense at all that.

I was just tryin’ to offer a counter proposal, y’know? I wonder why they wouldn’t accept my suggestions…

HiMERU: --A counter proposal means compromising and conceding things. HiMERU supposes that this means the other side has no intentions of meeting us halfway.

Kohaku: I guess you’re right. Sigh…

Negotiations exist so both parties can sound out each others’ real intentions, right? I’m good at readin’ adults’ faces. Well, I guess that’s due to the environment I was raised in.

But when I speak my mind it just causes offense, and on the other hand, to give in means to lose… So in the end, every single job I had my eye on fell through durin’ negotiations.

Now I’m back at square one, and lookin’ for job postings again.

HiMERU: Hmm. So that’s how it went.

--Negotiations are no easy feat. And it’s difficult to do them just by reading the other person’s expressions.

Their viewpoint, the times, the circumstances, their behaviour. You must pay attention to all of these things as well.

Kohaku: It’s a mighty tough world out there… I was way off, thinkin’ “There’s good people everywhere ya look”... Actually, there ain’t a good person to be seen anywhere.²

Niki: Hey~, sorry for the wait~. One daily special for HiMERU-kun, right?

HiMERU: --Thank you very much.

Kohaku: Oh, so you’re part-timin’ here today? You’re quite the eager beaver.

Niki: It’s my life’s work after all ♪ And it rules, ‘cause I get to use the kitchen here as much as I like, and I get a share of the ingredients so I never miss a meal ♪

I’ve decided to live and die in the kitchen!

Kohaku: ...The longer I’ve known you, the more it’s beyond me why you’re even an idol.

Niki: It’s completely beyond me too!

Anyway, you two sure seem down in the dumps. Ah~, it must be ‘cause you’re hungry! If you want, I can whip up a real feast³ for you~!

Kohaku: Uweh… Nah, no need. I couldn’t eat another bite. Niki-han, don’t just assume that people are gloomy ‘cause they’re hungry. That only applies to you.

HiMERU: --Aah, you came at a good time. Let’s do some reconnaissance ♪

Shiina, how is Amagi’s job search progressing?

Niki: Hmm? Ah~, is this about the contest? To be honest, we haven’t decided on anything yet.

Kohaku: Whaaat? What the heck, after he talked himself up mighty big, too.

...Oho. So even for the great Rinne-han, findin’ a job ain’t a cake walk?

Niki: Hm~... Actually, it’s more like Rinne-kun is procrastinating. We talked about it two days ago--

---------------------

*Gestaltzerfall refers to a psychological phenomenon where if you stare at a kanji (which is made up of several smaller shapes) for too long, the shape seems to “decompose into its constituting parts”. Like how when you hear a word so often it starts to lose its meaning.

² This references his Idol Story, where he uses the expression “渡る世間に鬼はない” (lit. there are no demons in the world). This time he corrects himself, saying there’s nothing but demons here.

³ The (probably idiomatic) expression he uses is the Manchu-Han Imperial Feast which consists of over 300 dishes served over the span of three days, including monkey brain, leopard fetuses, peking duck and camel’s hump among lots of others.

Location: Café Area

Rinne: Hey, Kohaku-chan? Why did you choose this job?

Kohaku: Huh? Look closely. The client for this job is a major advertising firm. So regardless of whether there’s a reason to take on this job or not, there shouldn’t be anythin’ speakin’ against it.

Rinne: If the only reason you chose this job is ‘cause it’s got a bigtime client, it’s no good at all. Zero points.

Kohaku: Hah?

HiMERU: --Oukawa. If it’s such a good job, then how come no one took it on and it still remains posted?

If the conditions for the job were that good, HiMERU thinks everyone would scramble to take it on.

Niki: And the pay isn’t that great either… Since they’re such a major company, how should I put it… They must be real stingy or something.

Kohaku: Uguh…

Rinne: Well, there you have it.

And look at the other companies involved in that job. They’re all complete small fries.

In terms of influence, it’s “one strong, many weak”. Well, they probably set it up like that on purpose.

That big time firm’s got a monopoly there, so the best you can hope for at that job is to be chewed up and spat out by ‘em, and then tossed into the trash.

Kohaku: Uuu… --T-then! How about that one!? There should be nothin’ to criticize about the payment for that one!?

Rinne: That one’s out of the question. If we took it, we’d barely get any screen time, and it’s got basically no merits for us whatsoever.

Kohaku: Ugugu…

HiMERU: --Oukawa. Finding a profitable job is always difficult the first time around. HiMERU believes you can put this experience to good use next time.

Niki: Well, yeah. They say failure is a something-or-other to success, right. Cooks figure out the right amount of seasoning through trial and error, too.

Isn’t it just the worst when a recipe calls for “a pinch” of something?

Rinne: You two are too soft on him. Soft and fluffy like a marshmallow!

Kohaku-chan. Earlier, if you had given me a good reason as to why you chose that job, I would’ve been fine with takin’ it on, you know?

But from what you told me -- You only chose it ‘cause it “happened to be there”.

Kohaku: T-that ain’t true…

Rinne: In that case, can you still throw your chest out and say with pride that you took it on? If you can’t, then I won’t acknowledge that you “took on a job”!

Kohaku: ………..

Rinne: Use your head. If you don’t make use of your brain and your heart, they’ll grow rusty. Before long, you’ll be unable to distinguish between anythin’ at all.

And that couldn’t even be called “livin’”. You’d just be existin’ while breathin’, that’s it.

There’s tons of people who want to use guys like that. In this world it’s eat or be eaten after all.

So quit renouncin’ your ability to think.

Otherwise you’ll really end up being used as some big bad grown-ups’ doll, got it? --Like a certain someone.

Kohaku: ………..

HiMERU: --Amagi. Don’t you think you went a little bit too far?

Rinne: Well, whatever. Think it over, Kohaku-chan.

Niki: Huh? Where are you going, Rinne-kun?

Rinne: The mood’s all ruined now. I’m gonna go play some pachinko or somethin’. See ya!

Niki: Huh!? Hey wait, Rinne-ku~n? ...Ah, he’s gone.

Well, since that leaves the outcome of the half-finished board game undecided, it’s a lifesaver for me ♪

Kohaku: ………..

HiMERU: --Oukawa. HiMERU thinks there’s no need to let what Amagi said get to you too much.

Kohaku: ...Huh? Aah, I’m fine. I think what Rinne-han said was pretty reasonable.

It’s just like he said -- I only chose it because it “happened to be there”.

The reason why I kept my mouth shut was because I was thinkin’ about myself. How I reeeally wasn’t thinkin’ at all before--

Nah, maybe I’m always tryin’ to get away with bein’ like that…

Sigh… I’ve finally gained “freedom”... And yet, it’s like those stains from my past won’t fade.

I feel like I’m forever bound by somethin’ invisible, and it disgusts me.

HiMERU-han, do you have some time to spare for me? I’d like to try havin’ another look around…

HiMERU: --Sure, HiMERU doesn’t mind. Leaving things as they are must be frustrating, so let’s give it another shot ♪

Kohaku: Thank you kindly. Alright, I’ll go search once again from the top.

Niki: Hmm. Well, both Rinne-kun and Kohaku-chan left, so should we tidy up and disperse?

How rare of Rinne-kun to say such decent stuff, though~. When he’s usually nothing but a tyrant.

HiMERU: --…......

Niki: Hmm? So this time HiMERU-kun’s the one lost in thought, huh.

He~y, HiMERU-ku~n?

HiMERU: (There was a feeling of discomfort within Amagi’s attitude, akin to a falsehood. It felt like he was putting on an act…)

(It was so slight that Oukawa and Shiina probably didn’t notice.)

(This must be what people call “a liar knows a liar”. That’s how HiMERU could sense it.)

(Thinking it over, the conclusion HiMERU arrives at is--)

Aah… Of course, so that’s how it is. Fufufu ♪

Niki: This time he talked to himself and burst into laughter!? That’s scary!

He~y, HiMERU-ku~n. Please stop ignoring me and snap out of it~.

HiMERU: Aah, my apologies. HiMERU was lost in reverie. But it’s no good to “be so lost in thought that one forgets their surroundings”.

Niki: What’s so interesting?

HiMERU: --You see,...

--No, HiMERU will hold off on that for now. It wouldn’t be elegant to tell you. Just for today, HiMERU will accommodate that man ♪

Niki: Eh. What the hell!? When you put it like that, it just makes me all the more curious~!?

Location: Café Area

- A few days later -

Kohaku: I finally found a good job, and here I wanted to announce it all flashily like as a proper debut--

But when I went to the café where we usually meet up, it was their closin’ day…

So I came here instead, but… Is HiMERU-han even around?

Rinne: Hell yeah~! Niki, that building you’ve got there is now the property of Rinne-kun~! Hand over all your money~!

Niki: UwaaAAAH!? N-no wayyy~! I developed that building with all my love and care~!

HiMERU: --You made a bad move last turn. If you keep this up, you’ll be bankrupt soon, Shiina. Which is why HiMERU is going to take that credit he lent you back now.

Niki: Are you a demon!? HiMERU-kun, what color is your blooood~!?*

Rinne: Kyahahaha ☆ Mo~ney, mo~ney ♪

Kohaku: ...Guess there’s no need to look for him.

And they’re gamblin’ again. Seriously, what’s the world comin’ to if that’s what idols act like…

They oughta call it a hell filled with nothin’ but money grubbers instead.

Well, just lookin’ at this wild party from the outside won’t get me anywhere. I’m not feelin’ up for it really, but I guess I’ll call out to ‘em.

Y’all seem to be havin’ a blast. Makin’ an unbearable fuss about it, too.

Rinne: Ooh, Kohaku-chan. You made it ♪ Come and play with us!

Kohaku: Nah, I’m good. Hmm, I overheard some talk about money earlier, so I figured y’all were gamblin’, but you’re just playin’ that board game you brought the other day.

HiMERU: --Yes. Amagi kept pestering us about it, so we finally gave in today.

If the game involved betting real money, HiMERU wouldn’t consent to it, though.

Rinne: And there you have it! Well, as far as I’m concerned it’d have been more fun with real money.

But since we’re not doin’ that, Kohaku-chan can feel at ease and join in, too.

Kohaku: I told you I’m not gonna.

At any rate, I think it ain’t right for a buncha guys who are supposedly idols to be gettin’ all hyped playin’ a dubious board game like that.

It’s far-off from the image of idols I’ve gotten from lookin’ at ‘em online.

There’s probably no need to worry about it since this place is off-limits to the general public, but don’t you think the others in this trade are gonna look down on y’all for this?

Rinne: Gyahahaha ☆ Serious as ever. But you can dump that worn-out image you have of idols right into the trash can.

Bein’ so caught up in your common sense just makes you a commoner! How boring.

Niki: Letting Rinne-kun preach to you about morals isn’t worth the trouble, Kohaku-chan. It’ll just make you hungry.

By the way, what’re you doing here? Do you have business with us?

Kohaku: Ah, right! I got so caught up in this idiotic spectacle that it slipped my mind.

Well, I only really have business with HiMERU-han over there.

HiMERU: --With HiMERU? What could this be about?

Kohaku: It’s about the contest from the other day, I found a job for it. See, I can do it if I try. Ko ko ko ♪

HiMERU: --Hmm. That’s great news.

Rinne: Sweet! Hey, what kinda job is it? I wanna have a look-see~

Kohaku: Ah, if I let Rinne-han see, it’ll put me at a disadvantage! Get lost! Shoo, shoo!

Rinne: Don’t be so cold~. Rinne-kun and Kohaku-chan are buddies, right? And there’s also merits in showin’ it to me!

You can put pressure on me that way! Showin’ your opponent your hand to make ‘em tremble in fear is a valid measure in gamblin’!

So lemme see~☆

Niki: Uwah~, I can’t believe you’d break out the smooth talk for something like this. Actually, it’s kinda impressive.

Rinne: Niki-ku~n. Stand at attention right there and keep that mouth shut, else you’ll probably die ♪

Niki: U-umm~…? Why are you posing like a martial artist? L-let’s keep this peaceful, okay, Rinne-kun?

Ah, that smile is real scary...!?

Kohaku: ...Aah, geez. You’re so noisy. I get it! I get it already! I found the job first, so I guess it’s fine to show it to Rinne-han and Niki-han too.

Be grateful that I’m such a generous guy~♪

HiMERU: --My, my. Well, one could say that knowing when to give in is a sign of maturity.

--In any case, let’s get to the main topic. What kind of job did you find, Oukawa?

Kohaku: Right. Gimme a second, I bookmarked the HoldHands page for it.

Ummm? Aah, it’s this one, the one right there!

HiMERU: --Let’s see here…

Hmm…? This is…

Kohaku: ? What, is there a problem with it?

Rinne: Which one is it? ...Hm~?

Niki: Aah… That one, huh~… (shaking his head in disapproval)

Kohaku: Hey, what. Don’t gang up on me with those dicey reactions!

-----------------------

* Niki is quoting Rei/Lei/Ray from Hokuto no Ken/Fist of the North Star here.

Location: Resting Area

Kohaku: Hoo~oh. “Work” is one simple word, but there are all kinds of work, aren’t there…

It’s a bit late for me to say this, but should I have really wagered that stupid bet? HiMERU-han…

HiMERU: -- Seeing how excited Amagi was about this, HiMERU thinks that refusing the gamble would have just led to more trouble.

Kohaku: I guess you’re right. The way he was actin’ back then, I can only imagine the tantrum he’d have thrown if I’d refused.

After that, he suddenly said somethin’ about it bein’ a team battle, we decided that I’m on a team with HiMERU-han while he’s on a team with Niki-han, and we left to go look for a job.

Which leads us to now, where we’re lookin’ at HoldHands…

Now that I’m in my right mind again, I feel somewhat sorry for draggin’ HiMERU-han and Niki-han into somethin’ as idiotic as this.

HiMERU: -- We’re past the point of no return anyhow, so there’s no use fretting over it now, Oukawa.

Besides. HiMERU is sure that this is going to be fun in it’s own way, so there’s no need to worry.

Kohaku: True enough. But earlier, you said you’d hesitate to approve of a gamble like this, right?

HiMERU: Fufu. HiMERU still hasn’t approved of it, even now. But HiMERU feels like it might be fun to help Oukawa in facing his first job.

-- Also, after what happened the other day, it’s like everyone has forsaken us. So it’s probably a good plan to work as idols for as long as we still can.

Kohaku: Aah. Now that you say it, you’re right. It’s a cold, hard world out there. Well, we’re really just reapin’ what we’ve sown.

HiMERU: And Amagi’s words from back then hit “me” pretty hard…

Nevermind, this is unrelated.

Kohaku: What’cha suddenly mumblin’ about? HiMERU-han’s quite the odd fellow at times, huh.

Well, no matter. Since you seem to be havin’ fun, I guess I’ll depend on you for a little bit.

At any rate, this HoldHands is quite useful. You can look at all the information on job offers at once, and the search function is a great help.

Ah, this job seems like it’d be a good fit for Crazy:B, too.

HiMERU: Which one? -- Aah, indeed, that one seems like it’d be no problem for us.

Kohaku: Hrm~m… Generally, I’d just call dibs on all the jobs I selected, simply wait for their response, and that’d be the end of it….

But since the job has to be better than whatever Rinne-han’s pickin’ out, I’m at a loss for which one to choose.

No matter which one I go for, I feel like I might win. But I also feel like there’s a chance I’ll lose, regardless of which one I pick. This is difficult.

HiMERU-han’s been active as a solo act before, and you’ve been in the industry longer than I have. Can you show me how I can tell which job’s gonna be good, or somethin’?

People’s experiences make the best reference book, right ♪ And as an ironclad rule, individual people’s reviews on social media are better than online advertisements.

HiMERU: --Hrm~m… HiMERU’s history as a performer is long, but HiMERU hasn’t really looked for his own jobs before.

And he never assigned much importance to the “quality” of a job. In order to gain all kinds of experiences, HiMERU tried just about anything once.

Kohaku: I see… Sounds tough. Guess that’s how the cookie crumbles. But if HiMERU-han can’t serve as a reference, I don’t know where to go from here…

HiMERU: -- Additionally, HiMERU can’t be the one to choose the job this time. Because if he did, even if you won the contest you’d still have lost against Amagi.

Kohaku: ? What’cha mean by that?

HiMERU: -- Amagi might be frivolous, but HiMERU believes that he still speaks the truth in his own way.

Well, it’s not like HiMERU completely understands everything about him…

But no matter how many beautiful words you line up, when it comes down to it, this world is a struggle against one another. And the same rings true for the idol industry.

To avoid ending up on the side that gets squeezed dry, it’s necessary to use your head and make your own choices.

And that is probably that man’s field of expertise.

...Whoops, that statement might be slightly misleading. No matter what you do, please never become someone like Amagi, Oukawa.

It would cause a lot of people anxiety if you did, and it’d be a nuisance for HiMERU as well. -- In any case, all you need is “to make your own choices”.

-- To get back to what you were talking about earlier, Oukawa. The question of whether to believe an advertisement or a review is the same issue. Choosing one over the other is no easy feat.

However, whether you steal or are stolen from, whether you avoid conflict or fight, if the way you live is something you not only thought about briefly but actually chose for yourself, then you’ll be able to live with the choice you’ve made.

Kohaku: I see~. I guess that means there’s no point to the contest unless I search for the job myself.

HiMERU: -- Correct.

Kohaku: But that was one deeply meaningful speech. You’re mighty persuasive. Sounded like you were talkin’ from experience?

HiMERU: -- It was just a generalization ♪

Kohaku: I see, then I’ll leave it at that.

Well then, guess I’d better keep my eyes glued to the HoldHands display and see if I can’t find a good job for us.

It’d be mighty vexing to let that idiot make a monkey of me any more than he’s already done, so I’m gonna go all out for once.

Location: Café “Cinnamon”

Rinne: Whazzu~p! The great Rinne-sama has come all the way over here to you loners to lend you a helpin’ hand ☆

Oh wowowow, no need to sob tears of gratitude.

I can’t leave kids who are sittin’ by themselves in the corner of the classroom alone, it’s in my nature. Hm~m, I’m such a class rep ♪

And as such, I’m gonna go right ahead and confiscate Kohaku-chan’s computer~☆ You shouldn’t bring that kind of thing to school!

Kohaku: Ugyaah!? What’cha doin’, you utter moron! Don’t lean on my head! An' give back my laptop at once!

Rinne: Ooh, what a filthy mouth you’ve got on you. It’s what you get for being glued to your computer screen 24/7! I don’t recall havin’ raised you to be like this!

Kohaku: And I don’t recall bein’ raised by you at all. You oughta re-enrol in life.

Rinne: Kyahaha ☆ You’re as lively as ever, Kohaku-chan ♪ Best for kids to be full of energy like that!

Kohaku: Don’t treat me like a kid every chance you get, it’s a real pisser.

HiMERU: Fufu. How nice to see you two on good terms.

Kohaku: What were you lookin’ at that gave you that idea. Your eyes can’t possibly be that bad.

Rinne: Nevermind all that. Hey Kohaku-chan, is your head just for decoration or what?

Kohaku: What’s this all outta nowhere. Didja come over here just to pick a fight with me?

How about instead of losin’ yer heart on this pointless endeavour, you go back over there and play yer li'l board game with Niki-han?

Rinne: I’m sorry to say that Niki gave me the brush-off. Who does he think he is, rejectin’ me?

HiMERU: -- HiMERU thinks that was a rather wise decision on his part.

Rinne: Hey, you’re so mean. Whatever, I’ll just kick Niki’s ass for that later…

Anyway, this is about you, Kohaku-chan. I overheard what you were talkin’ about earlier.

Kohaku: What, didja come here to say some sentimental nonsense, too?

Rinne: No~pe? Actually, I think you had a point. Only a third-rate gambler regrets the number on a dice they bet on and gets all down in the dumps about it.

Way healthier to just think about your next move instead.

But y’know. That only applies when you were the one who rolled the dice in the first place.

If you renounce your ability to think and resign yourself to the status quo, you’re not even a third-rate gambler -- You’re just a doll then, nothin’ more.

Forget about that newcomer-whatever thingie, someone like that couldn’t even get any job in the first place!

Kohaku: Thanks for the sermon. Are you tryin’ to tell me I’m just a doll?

Rinne: Just a warnin’. ‘Cause from what I heard, it’s an adults’ duty to correct childrens’ mistakes.

Kohaku: ……..

I admit that I’ve never taken on a job before, yes. And as long as that stands, nothin’ I’ll say is gonna sound persuasive to you.

Very well. Since you insist, I’m gonna find a job for Crazy:B.

That way I can verify myself if what people say ‘bout the job hunt is true. You’ve got no complaints about that, I assume.

Rinne: Oh? Awesome, that’s the spirit! Just how I like it ♪

HiMERU: Amagi, please wait.

Rinne: Aahn? What’s up?

HiMERU: -- Won’t there be trouble if we take on a job without running it by the agency first? HiMERU thought that’s how it is for us.

Rinne: Don’t sweat the small stuff. We should be able to talk that out with the agency later! Don’t we have enough of a track record to allow for those kinda negotiations? It’ll work itself out.

It’s a critical moment to see if our little Kohaku-chan can net us a job, after all.

...Hmm? Speakin’ of which, doesn’t it... -- Yeah, it feels like a gamblin’ parlor in here!

Kyahahaha ☆ Am I right, am I right!? Alriiight! Let’s bet on whether or not Kohaku-chan is gonna be able to get a job for us!

Kohaku: Hah? How idiotic…

HiMERU: -- Amagi… To think that you’d turn this into a gamble… Even HiMERU is disgusted.

Niki: Rinne-kun, I guess the bet is off, huh~?

Sorry for the wait~. HiMERU-kun and Kohaku-chan, here’s your coffee and hiyashi-ame*.

Rinne: Ah! Why didn’t you bring me a drink!? Shouldn’t it be common sense for you to bring me my drink first!?

Niki: Owww! Owowowow! Don’t put me in a headlock! It’s not like you ordered anything in the first place, right, Rinne-kun!?

Rinne: Whether I ordered a drink or not, you shoulda brought me one either way! Oraora~♪

Niki: Please don’t ask the impossible of me~! GyaAH!? Owowow!? It seriously hurts!

Rinne: This is my passionate hug of love! Except it’s limited to your noggin only! Isn’t your head just spinnin’ from happiness, Niki? Revel in it some more, you little shit~♪

Niki: My head is spinning for other reasons, though~! Cut it out for real, Rinne-kun…

Ah, now I’m seeing stars!? Isn’t this real bad!?

HiMERU: -- That’s enough, Amagi. Well, HiMERU thinks it’s not a good idea to decrease the number of members in our unit at this point…

Rinne: Aahn? ...Hmm, guess you’re right.

Niki: Puhah! I almost crossed the River Styx just now…

HiMERU: By the way, Shiina, what makes you think Amagi’s gamble won’t come into existence?

....That said, HiMERU also hesitates to approve of that kind of gamble.

Niki: Hmm? Ah~, no. That’s not what I meant by that~?

I was just saying, since you can easily get a job just by opening HoldHands and scrolling through it for a minute, it won’t make much of a wager...

Kohaku: ...Now that you say it, you’re right. What gives, Rinne-han, were you tryna let me win?

Rinne: Gyahahaha ☆ As if I’d ever make such a boring bet! Equal terms is what makes a gamble interestin’!

That’s right! As you say, as things stand right now, Kohaku-chan’s got the advantage. That’s why we’ll give him a “handicap”!

HiMERU: A “handicap”...?

Rinne: Y’know how racehorses get weights strapped to their backs before they enter a race as a handicap? Somethin’ like that!

And Kohaku-chan’s handicap is namely -- me! Go ahead and applaud~☆

Kohaku: You’re leavin’ out somethin’ here. After all, you’re my handicap every day already. That’s how much of a nuisance you are.

Rinne: Heyheyhey, don’t be so cold. Rinne-kun’s gonna cry, y’know?

Well, in any case. I’ll go out and try to find a job as well. It’s a match between me and Kohaku-chan to see who can get the better job!

I bet I can find the best job! And I’m sure you’re bettin’ on yourself too, Kohaku-chan.

And of course, there’s gonna be a penalty game² for the loser ♪

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* Hiyashi-ame is a cold, refreshing beverage from the Kansai area Kohaku hails from. It’s made of dissolved malt syrup, water and ginger and then chilled.

² Penalty Game

Location: Café “Cinnamon”

Rinne: Come on~... Hey, come on already~. Let’s do it, Niki~.

Niki: Ah, you decided on your order? ...One coffee, is it? Coming right up~♪

Welcome~♪

Rinne: Come ooon~. Don’t ignore me. Hey~, heeey~.

Niki: Gee~z. What did you suddenly show up here for, Rinne-kun. With Kohaku-chan and HiMERU-kun in tow, no less.

...Can’t you tell what I’m doing right now?

Rinne: Wastin’ your youth!

Niki: How is that your takeaway here!? No matter how you look at it, I’m working part-time at this café!

Rinne: Kyahaha ☆ And I’m sayin’ that’s a total waste, alright? The only thing that’s equally distributed to all people on earth is “time” after all!

Don’t spend it all on somethin’ like labor, it’s wasteful.

Anyhoo. How about you and I do somethin’ more productive instead ♪ Just bet all your chips (time) on me. You’re not gonna make a loss!

Niki: I wish you’d realize just how much every bit of time I’ve spent with you so far has been a loss on my part already.

So? I’ll ask just in case, but what is it that you say you wanna do, Rinne-kun?

Rinne: Clean your eyes and have a look-see! It’s a “property-trading board game”!

There’s no better game to build up the strength needed to survive the battlefield known as capitalism, right! And asset management is just another kinda gamble.

Niki: So that huge box you’re carrying has Mono*oly in it? Where’d you get that, anyway.

Rinne: I hit the jackpot at the pachinko parlor*. Made a total killin’. Even now I can’t stop laughin’ about it! Kyahahahaha ☆

I found that game among the prizes². Seemed interestin’, so I went and exchanged for it. Rather than workin’ your ass off, let’s do this instead! Niki-kun, play with me~♪

Niki: Eeh? But I don’t wanna~.

That game is way more of a waste of time than work is. And it’ll just make me hungry. My body is bad enough at absorbing nutrition as it stands, so don’t steal away any more of it.

Also, playing games isn’t productive at all.

Rinne: Fufun ♪ You’re so naive. The productivity factor is added in by playin’ with real money! The loser will be bled dry, and become the victors’ slave ‘til death ☆

And I’m on a roll today! So prepare yourself, ‘cause I’ll chew you up and spit you out!

Niki: What kind of reasoning is that!? Why do I gotta be your golden goose and get fried in a pan!?³

Your tyranny has gone too far, Rinne-kun. Well, I do like a good poultry dish~, but I sincerely refuse to become an ingredient for one.

Rinne: You goddamn idiot, divine providence itself is tyranny.

That said, well, have a seat. Come on, let’s roll the dice and see who’s battin' first!

Niki: Do you ever listen to people!? What makes you think I agreed to participate in this~! Man, I’ve had enough of this guy…

Can’t you just play the game with Kohaku-chan and HiMERU-kun? ...Huh, wait. Where did they go…?

Ah! You two are so unfair! Sitting all the way over there and feigning ignorance!

Rinne: Come on, Niki. Let’s get started~♪

Niki: I told you I’m not gonna play with you~!

Kohaku: ………..

One way or another, those two seem to be havin’ a whale of a time over there. Glad to see ‘em havin’ fun.

But I had the right idea when I sat over here with HiMERU-han ‘cause I wanted to avoid bein’ thought of as Rinne-han's company at any cost. And I can use my laptop in peace over here, too--

HiMERU: ...Fufu.

Kohaku: ...HiMERU-han, you’re havin’ a mighty chuckle at your phone. Didja happen to find something funny on there?

HiMERU: --Aah, no. HiMERU was merely perusing the job vacancy information on HoldHands.

Kohaku: HoldHands…? Really, why? Do they have any funny job offers?

What about? Last I checked, the only bizarre offer on there was an “archaeological excavation”...

HiMERU: They have a job offering for that? How very interesting ♪

But off the mark. HiMERU was actually looking at the jobs for newcomers.

--Have a look. The job offers are divided into categories based on their requirements, right?

Among those, the jobs that allow newcomers to apply get taken up quickly by some cute eager beavers. HiMERU just found that charming.

They’re probably recklessly taking on any jobs they can, with all their might.

Kohaku: Hmm?

HiMERU: --You’re making an expression as if you don’t quite understand, Oukawa?

Kohaku: I understand what you’re lookin’ at all keenly, but I don’t see how that is charmin’ in any way?

‘Cause, you know. They’re just takin’ whatever jobs they have the qualifications for, right?

Nothin’ charmin’ about it.

HiMERU: …You may be right, but there are a lot of thoughts and actions, joyful and frustrating feelings all encompassed within--

HiMERU is sure of the existence of such drama. And it exists in proportion for each and every single newcomer.

--And that’s why, when HiMERU sees that kind of “earnesty” in people, he finds it charming.

Kohaku: …? You’re an unexpectedly sentimental one, ain'tcha, HiMERU-han?

Well, ya made it sound like it’s all “other people's affairs” to you, though.

HiMERU: --Oh? That’s how it came off to you?

Kohaku: Well, whatever. At any rate, this is all completely beyond me. If there’s work, go for it, and if you didn’t get the job, just go lookin’ for another. That’s how I see it.

There’s no feelings behind the hirin’ process. Do the people out there really rejoice and worry over every little thing like that? That’s just perplexin’ to me.

HiMERU: ………..(smiling)

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* For anyone interested, he was playing a machine that employs the kakuhen system, which is a payout system resulting in an increase of jackpot odds once a certain jackpot has been hit. This way, it is possible to chain a number of jackpots in a row until the fever mode ends. If you want to learn more about pachinko, the Wikipedia article on it is pretty informative.

² In Japan, gambling is illegal. Pachinko parlors therefore only allow you to exchange pachinko balls into prizes, which range from small stuff like lighters to bicycles and electronics, and the “special prizes” which are little gold colored statues in boxes that you can then exchange at a separate store outside the parlor for money. It’s a legal loophole.

³ The original joke has layers, so I’ll explain. Niki uses the expression “a duck comes along carrying a welsh onion on it’s back”, shortened to “duck onion” in JP, which means “here comes a sucker just begging to be parted from his money”. He says that’s how Rinne treats him, and adds that he doesn’t get why he has to be thrown into a hot pot because of that, and in his next line says he likes hot pot with duck in it, though.